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Previously on The Last Man on Earth... Baby bump alert.
CAROL: I haven't had any pregnancy symptoms.
What if something's really wrong?
Can you tell us your name?
I'm starting to wonder if he's ever gonna talk.
She's kind of in a foggy stage.
I've been having to guess on her dosage.
(sighs) The big day.
You excited?
(sighs) I'm so happy.
Oh, yeah, I am, too.
What are you thinking about?
Someone very special to me.
I wonder who that could be.
Oh, Gail,
you're my rock.
And you're my roll.
TANDY: Jasper?
JASPER: I'm in here.
Are you freaking kidding me right now?
(laughing): No way.
What?
I have been waiting for this moment
for so long, and it finally came.
What are you all hyped up about? It's no big deal.
No, this is a very big deal.
Do you know how long you've been promising me
you'd paint my go-kart pink
for breast cancer awareness?
Thank you.
Jasper...
what do we say when someone says thank you?
You're welcome.
That's right,
we say you're welcome.
Jasper, thank you very much for saying you're welcome.
You're welcome.
(chuckles) Thank you for that one, too.
(whispers): Jasper.
You're welcome.
(chuckles) Hey.
Let's go get ready for the big day, huh?
Okay.
Okay, let's see what we got here.
Oh, those have not come back yet.
No?
Oh, no. Oh, that's not good.
Maybe we just need to
let 'em get a little air for a while.
Okay, yeah.
Okay. (chuckles)
Well, should we get going?
Yeah, don't want to be late for the big day, huh?
Will you help me up?
Yeah.
(groans)
♪ She drives me crazy ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Like no one else ♪
♪ ♪
♪ She drives me crazy ♪
♪ And I can't help myself ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Like no one else ♪
♪ She drives me crazy ♪
♪ Like no one else ♪
♪ She drives me crazy ♪
♪ And I can't help myself. ♪
Pretty ugly spot for a wedding, huh?
(chuckles)
First of all, I'd like to commend the bridal party
for the choice to all wear wedding dresses.
Just beautiful.
And I mean, we all know who's getting married,
so that was not confusing at all. Yeah.
Melissa, Todd,
we just heard a beautiful rendition of your coitus anthem,
"She Drives Me Crazy."
And now, you are uniting your souls,
much the same way you did your penis and vagina
so many times to that beautiful song.
And now, that song has taken on
a whole new meaning, when the bride went medically crazy
after killing a man she did not know.
But that was the past.
And this is the future.
(chuckling): Look how far we've come, huh?
The last six months
have been, by far,
the most interesting that we've all shared.
A real roller coaster.
So many powerful moments--
too many to go into detail, you know. (groans)
And we were all there anyway, so, you know,
what's the frickin' point, yeah?
But, uh, bottom line,
we're stronger than ever. Huh?
Let's get to the vows.
Melissa,
would you like to go first?
Todd,
you are my savior.
And I can't wait
to spend the rest of my life with you.
(softly): Thank you.
Is that it?
Yeah. Perfect.
Uh, Todd, uh, wishing he didn't have to go second here, huh?
(laughing) Great job.
(voice breaking): Melissa...
you're my home.
As you all know,
I went through the legal and spiritual steps
to reclaim my virginity.
Today I wear white
as a symbol
of the three months of abstinence we observed
as a couple.
And the two months I observed as an individual.
I stand before you pure as the driven snow.
I worship at your altar,
drinking in your spirit.
TANDY: Jasper,
do you have the rings?
Uh, uh, Jasper, don't you have something
Here are two rings around the rosie.
Uh, uh, Jasper?
Boom. (Tandy laughs)
I taught him that. Good job, Jasper.
Jasper, what do we say when somebody...
Thank you!
(chuckles)
The ring.
It is round like the sun,
the moon, and,
of course, the woman's cervix.
The cervix is heavily on my mind these days,
as I'm about to deliver our child
from Carol's gorgeous womb.
And Carol and I couldn't be more happy about it.
(chuckles) We are both so excited about it.
I'm reminded of the words
of Jeopardy! champion Ken Jennings...
Wh... Uh... Okay, we're done here. I do. Todd?
I do, too. Okay.
Going straight into the kiss now.
Um, Uh, I have a statement to...
Uh, ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. and Mrs. Chartres-Rodriguez! Huh? And now, uh,
we release the doves, and by doves I mean crickets,
since all doves are dead.
Release the crickets! (chirping)
(exclaims) Ho! (laughs) Oh!
Oh, wh... Hey, you guys.
It's a symbol of peace.
♪ ♪
GAIL: Carol.
So you still haven't told him?
Well, we had a talk about it.
Oh, yeah? Hm-hmm.
And what did you say?
Uh, um, I, well...
Oh, right. I said, "Tandy."
And he said, "Yes?"
And then that's as far as we got.
You have to tell him I'm delivering the baby.
The only thing that man is qualified to deliver
is rancid farts.
But he's been studying so hard.
He wrote whole rap about the stages of labor.
It's very good.
Do you want to hear it? No.
♪ In active labor, what you gonna do?
♪ I'm gonna put on my runnin' shoes. ♪
His plan is to put on shoes?
'Cause my plan is to monitor the fetal heartbeat,
time your contractions,
and measure your dilation.
So you're not gonna wear shoes?
I'm gonna wear friggin' shoes.
Carol, do you still want me to deliver this baby?
Of course. But how am I gonna tell him?
You just do it.
(sighs) Yeah. Okay.
Yeah, just do it.
Yeah. Okay.
Okay. (laughs)
Unique New York.
Red leather, yellow leather. Red leather, yellow leather.
Tandy? Unique New York. Yes?
Remember last month when I said "Tandy"
and you said, "Yes?"
Of course. Well, there's more.
W... Uh, can it wait a sec?
I was about to say a few words.
Yeah.
Thank you. Okay.
(clinking)
(chuckles) Gather around, please.
And bring your glasses.
I'd like to make a toaster strudel, if I may.
Todd, Melissa, I just want to say
I-I'm so happy for you guys. You know?
You faced some tough times--
we all have.
My parents-- they never expected much from me.
And, to be honest, they never got it, you know?
But, uh...
God, if they could see me now, huh?
You know, delivering my own baby.
An OB-GIN.
Friggin' doctor
in the family.
(voice breaking): Mom, Dad, I did good.
I did good.
To Tandy.
Did we just toast to Tandy
at our wedding? Yeah.
So what did you-what did you want to say?
I have diarrhea.
Oh.
When it rains, it pours.
♪ ♪
(glass clinking)
You know what that means. (laughs)
Aw, do we have to?
(laughs)
(others whooping)
This is so nice. Isn't this nice?
It's great. Let's get out of here.
What's the rush?
I want to go have sex. That's the rush.
Hon, look, we waited this long. Let's do this the right way.
Yeah, in the closet. Right now.
(glass clinking)
♪ The love shack... ♪
Not again.
(chuckles)
Okay, let's go.
Look, my first time is not gonna be in some dirty closet.
Oh, my God, Todd, are you trying to make me insane again?
(clinking) Tandy!
You ever had a spoon up your butt?
(laughs)
No.
Look, let's just take a deep breath, okay?
Enjoy the reception,
and then I'll give you a night to remember.
Fine, let's do the reception. Dinner now!
So, did you do it?
Yeah.
Oh, Lord, Carol.
I know you're in a tough position,
but this has got to be done.
His parents are so proud. How's he gonna feel
if I tell him that I don't want him to deliver the baby?
Just blame it all on me; tell him I forbid it
and that I'm being a massive "B" about it.
No.
He's my husband and I'm his wife.
This has to come from me.
CAROL: So, this just in.
Gail forbids you from delivering our baby,
and she's being a massive "B" about it.
What?
Why?
She just put her foot down and said she's gonna be my doctor,
and there's nothing I can do about it.
But I'm ready for this.
I know! And I yelled it at her.
But she was just like...
But this is my child!
That's what I said, but even more emphatically.
But, yeah, apparently this is just what's happening now.
This is the new normal.
And the sad thing is
I know you would have done a better job.
And I've said that publicly to a bunch of people.
Go around and ask.
No. I am going to go talk to Gail
and tell her this is ridiculous!
I am delivering this baby!
(door closes)
♪ ♪
Go ahead.
Finish the job.
(sighs)
Carol sell me out?
I pleaded with her not to do it,
but you know her, always telling the truth.
Yeah. It's a wonderful quality.
You should try it sometime.
How about right now?
You're not good at most things.
Name one.
Math, jokes, basic hygiene,
ideas, knowing what others think about you.
You named five-- fail.
Name's Gail. You can have your "F" back.
(chuckles) Sometimes I get my "F"s and my "G"s mixed up.
So why don't you fo guck yourselg.
No matter how much Carol protests,
you are not delivering this baby.
You've never seen me in an operating room,
but I've seen you in one, and it did not go well.
That was low.
I have spent every day of the past six months
preparing for that birth.
I'm ready.
You think so?
I know so.
And I'm gonna prove it to you.
Gail.
Tandy.
♪ ♪
God, I'm so happy that my second first time's
gonna be so special. (chuckles)
You know, 'cause m-my first-first time was not.
Her name was Tanya.
She was incredibly alluring,
but the mental side was just not there.
I mean,
the physical side was so there.
You know, it was electric.
We would glide effortlessly from position to position,
you know, matching each other orgasm for orgasm.
Todd, I've hung in there as long as I could. Can we wrap it up?
Be gentle with me.
God, I hope I remember how to do it.
I'm so scared.
Guys! I need you right now!
Please, follow me! MELISSA: No.
No, guys, come on! This is important!
Tandy, is it more important than me losing my virginity?
1,000%, bud.
TANDY: Well, well, well.
Thank you all for coming.
As usual, I'll be brief.
No, you won't.
Now, it's come to my attention that, uh,
some people in this, uh...
...some people in this, uh--
It's come to my attention that some people in this room
do not believe in my skills
as an obstetrician.
Just say "Gail," dummy.
(chuckles): Okay.
Gail-dummy does not want me to deliver my own child.
Yeah, that's the right call; you would suck.
Let's go.
Okay.
Well, have a good presentation, bud.
I'm-I'm cool with whatever the group decides.
TANDY: Thank you, Todd.
And I hope Gail is, too.
Now I have prepared a series of demonstrations.
The first of which
will highlight my hygiene,
which some have wrongly hinted may be a concern.
It was me, and I flat-out said it.
Well, allow me to assuage your fears.
(chuckles)
In my hands are gloves,
but within a matter of seconds, in these gloves will be hands.
Carol, start the timer.
Oh, okay.
Okay, go!
(glove snapping)
Time. Carol, time.
Uh, 15 seconds.
Kind of a lobster claw thing happening.
(chuckles) I don't need all my fingers to deliver a baby.
The point is
cleanliness, sterility,
hygiene.
Demonstration number two.
Some people in this room...
Again, just say me.
...have wrongly labeled me a klutz.
What? Are you afraid I'm gonna drop the baby?
'Cause the only place I'm gonna drop this baby
is off at college.
The delivery.
Carol, would you please do the honors?
It's a simple switch on the side of the machine.
Okay. You'll find it turns on the machine.
One.
Two.
Three.
Four.
Turn it off. Nailed it.
Oh! Oh.
Oh, I already asked for the machine to be turned off,
so that one does not count.
That doesn't prove smack, Tandy.
Delivering a child requires actual skills,
or somebody's gonna get hurt.
Which leads me to demonstration number three.
Now, before me is a baby doll baked into Jell-O.
The doll represents our baby, and the Jell-O represents
Carol's delicate womb structures.
Carol, does that look about right to you?
Yeah.
And, Gail, would you like to taste the Jell-O
to make sure that it's actual Jell-O?
I'm good.
So, in this demo,
I'm going to prove that I'm capable
of safely delivering this baby doll
with exactly zero damage to this metorical womb.
Behold.
Gently entering the Jell-O canal.
How's this feeling, Carol?
Fine.
Okay, good.
I'm tugging on it a little bit.
It's a very tight seal. Good for you, Carol.
I do squeezers.
Okay.
I can tell.
Note that the Jell-O
is still fully intact.
No. I'm seeing some cracks there, crackerjack.
(laughs): Just normal fissures.
Uh, those will heal.
The amniotic sac is known to have a natural give.
Ooh, there's a lot of cracks there, Tandy.
I heard you the first time, Gail! Okay.
This one looks like the winter is coming. It's com...
Oh, no, no. Oh, no. Oh, God.
Oh, good God.
Oh, no, no, no, no!
Oh! I got it, I got it!
(laughs)
It's a girl. Okay, now we just
flip it upside down, give it a slap on the rump
to get the oxygen flowing. (doll squeaks)
Okay-- Oh, God! Oh, good God. (groaning)
Slippery little sucker, huh?
Oh, God.
Well, anyway, there you have it.
A healthy baby. (chuckles)
Demonstration over. You're not doing this.
No. The decision is Carol's to make,
and she wants me to do it.
Isn't that right, Carol?
No. See, Gail?
No. She doesn't want you.
No, Tandy.
Wait. A double no to Gail?
I think one "no" will suffice.
You friggin' nimwood.
It's not me she's saying no to, it's you.
What are you talking about?
Carol is scared to tell you that she wants me
to deliver the baby.
Care Bear?
Tandy?
TANDY: Yeah?
Tandy, are you in here?
TANDY: No.
Can I talk to you?
What?
I am so sorry.
Why didn't you just tell me?
I've been trying to
for a long time, but I knew how important it was for you
to make your dead parents proud.
Carol, it's not just that.
Then what is it?
I just remember Phil on that operating table.
Watching Gail and Todd in there
and not being able to do anything about it.
I've never felt more helpless.
And I loved Phil,
but you're the most important person in my life.
A-And it's gonna be hard to just sit in there and do nothing.
You won't be doing nothing.
You have the most important responsibility of all.
You have to hold my hand.
Hey, Mom.
Darling son.
I-I just wanted to say no hard feelings.
Fine.
Look, I'm-I'm sorry about the Phil thing.
There was nothing you could have done.
Nobody could have.
And when it comes down to it,
I wouldn't want anybody else to deliver our baby.
Thanks, Tandy.
You know, I can't do this all alone.
I'm gonna need a good copilot in there.
Gail, I would be honored to be your copilot...
I've asked Todd.
Good call, yeah.
I was gonna, uh, suggest that.
(chuckles)
But Todd
is gonna need a flight attendant.
And that would b-b...
That would be me?
That would be you.
I'll think about it. (sniffs)
Yeah! O-Okay, I'll do it.
I would love to, actually. (chuckles)
That's great, thank you.
Guys, we have a situation.
What is it?
My water broke.
Oh, farts.
Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH
CHILDREN: Uncle Stinky.
(horn honking)
You've just watched
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-Yay! -(cheering)